Computer Spell Checker Not Always Helpful

My spell checker is at it again.

Here’s what happens every time I sit down at my keyboard to compose a document or letter: I try typing some perfectly ordinary word, mess up the order in which my fingers strike the keys and so must click on the icon that activates the spell checker.

But here’s the thing: the spell checker, which I’m dead sure was programmed by a bunch of naughty twenty-somethings PRETENDS it thinks I mean some other crazy word and offers that one up instead—serious as you please with a prim little schoolmarm’s question mark as if to say "Surely you mean this word?"

For example sometimes when I massacre the spelling of the word "thanks" it says to me "pathnames?" and really: who but a bunch of computer geeks would have a technical word like that at their fingertips? ‘Course sometimes when I type "thanks" too fast and miss or invert a letter it offers me the word "hamsters." As in "let us now mention wee rodents famous for multiplying rapidly."

All I know is that SOMEBODY had some good frisky fun inventing my spell checking program, which I must tell you also takes a frequent turn into a world far racier than the one I inhabit.

When I type what I think is the word "actually," for example, it answers with "sexually?" as if to say "Surely you MEANT to say ‘sexually’ here"?

More examples? You got ‘em:

One, this morning I tried to speed-type the word "permission," and quick as a wink it asked me "angiosperm?" Now I don’t know if angiosperm is a sexual term or not, but I sure wouldn’t assign it as a spelling word if I were standing in front of a class of 13-year-olds.

Two, sometimes I mess up on the spelling of "commentaries" which the spell checker routinely interprets as "dominatrix."

Three, I often mis-type the word "because" only to have the spell checker decide what I REALLY mean is "intercourse" and so inserts that attention-getter of a term into my little universe of columns, all geared for General Audiences as they say in the motion picture industry.

And four, maybe don’t pass this one on to the kiddos but once I tried to quick type the word "omens" and it gave me "onanism."

I’m just losing all respect for the thing. Because not only does it appear to have a dirty mind, it’s also sort of simple-minded—shallow even: I messed up on the spelling of the word "miracle" when I was writing something last night and it kept giving me "haircare." I mean, haircare?

It’s annoying all right—though I admit it does lead me down some pretty amusing paths.

Because check it out, I just now stopped to look up "angiosperm" in Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary and what do you think it said? It told me that "angiosperm" refers to "any of a class or division of vascular plants (as magnolias, grasses, oaks, roses, and daisies) that have the ovules and seeds enclosed in an ovary, form the embryo and endosperm by double fertilization, and typically have each flower surrounded by a perianth composed of two sets of floral envelopes comprising the calyx and corolla…" or, more simply stated, "flowering plants."

So there it is. I sit down to make fun of something and it turns out the joke is on me. So what can I do but give those kids who wrote the program a big old "Pathnames!" Uh … "Hamsters!" Uh … make that "THANKS!"